Why Do We Need to Regulate Our Emotions?

Emotional regulation is an important life skill because our emotions have a huge impact on how we feel, what we think, and how we act. A lack of emotional regulation can lead to all sorts of problems. It can affect how we interact with the world and move through life. For example, it can influence our friendships and relationships, our ability to work and learn, and our parenting and caring roles. In the worst-case scenario, poor emotional regulation can lead to us getting into trouble. It can cause problems in our personal life and even lead to a criminal record.

What Does Good Emotional Regulation Look Like?

Emotional regulation is not about suppressing feelings or avoiding difficult emotions completely. It is about how we respond to these feelings. Good emotional regulation requires a degree of awareness and some flexibility around how we feel about something versus how we might respond to it.

For example, I will often say to my young child, ‘it’s okay to be angry, but it’s not okay to hit your sister’. I do this because I want him to know the emotion itself is okay and not something to be afraid of. It shouldn’t be ignored because it’s trying to tell us something, but we need to figure out a way to deal with that emotion that doesn’t involve hurting anyone else.

When Emotional Regulation Feels Difficult

This is how most of us learn emotional regulation skills – as children. If we’re lucky, we’re taught how to recognise and interpret our emotions and what to do when difficult feelings come up. For example, we learn that when we’re sad or upset, we need comfort.

However, some people aren’t given the opportunity to learn about emotions. They may have experienced environments where emotions were ignored or unwelcome. This can mean they not only have a tricky relationship with difficult emotions, but they also miss out on learning what to do with them.

Certain external factors can also make emotional regulation difficult. For example, stress, illness or sleep deprivation. You may have learnt all the necessary skills to recognise and manage difficult emotions, but if your capacity is taken up dealing with other external stressors, your ability to use those skills might be impacted.

Know Your Limit

Nobody has an endless capacity for dealing with difficult things in a productive way. Everybody has a limit, and most of us know what it feels like to have things going on in our lives that affect our ability to regulate our emotions.

Imagine you’ve had a stressful day at work, you’re not feeling great, and you didn’t get much sleep last night. Lots of things seem to be going wrong. Then you spill the milk and completely lose your temper. But it’s not really about the milk. It’s about all the other stuff. You’re using your capacity to cope with everything else, so when something minor happens like the milk getting spilled you have no ability left to regulate your emotions.

The earlier we recognise we are reaching our limit, the sooner we can put things in place to restore balance. The more dysregulated we become, the harder it is to regain control over our emotions. 

5 Ways to Regulate Your Emotions

The good news is we can learn emotional regulation skills at any time. And the more we practise, the better we will get at using them when needed. Here are five ways to regulate your emotions…

1.      Learn to recognise and label how you are feeling. This sounds super simple, yet many of us stumble around, not really acknowledging or noticing our emotions.

2.      When you recognise an emotion, consider what you need to do about it. Bear in mind, what you need to do may be different from what you are able to do or what you feel you should do. Recognising our needs can be very challenging, so sometimes it’s helpful to think about it in the third person. If someone is sad, what do they need? If someone is anxious, what do they need? If someone is angry, what do they need?

3.      Pause and stop what you are doing, even if it’s just for a moment. Give yourself time think about what you are going to do next. It may feel like there’s no time but believe me, there is always time to stop and take control of the situation.

4.      Breathe. I cannot say this enough – when we breathe calmly, rhythmically and slowly we send messages to our brain that things are okay. When these messages are received, it has a direct impact on our brain chemistry and our emotions.

5.      Get some perspective. This might involve creating space to reflect independently or it might involve speaking to someone you trust. There is really no harm in saying to someone, ‘I’m really anxious/afraid/sad/angry (insert relevant emotion) and I don’t know what to do’. They’re not feeling what you feel, so they'll probably be more objective and able to advise you on what you need next.

Find Out More

If you have difficulty regulating your emotions, therapy can be a valuable tool. Please get in touch to learn more. I also share lots of tips and advice via Instagram.