As the title suggests, we will be discussing a very sensitive and potentially distressing topic in this article. Please feel free to give it a miss if you need to. If you choose to keep reading, be gentle with yourself. The loss of a baby at any stage can be incredibly hard. If you’ve landed here after experiencing this yourself, I’m really sorry. I hope you can find some comfort and support in the words that follow. I’d also encourage you to visit Tommy’s for more information and resources related to pregnancy and baby loss.
Baby Loss and Grief
The term ‘baby loss’ is used to describe the loss of a baby during pregnancy, birth or shortly afterwards, whether through miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death, or termination for medical reasons.
The type of grief someone can experience after baby loss can be utterly heartbreaking and hard to quantify. Pregnancy and the arrival of a baby represents hopes and dreams for the future. Baby loss means losing a child in that moment but also losing future versions of them, and who you were going to be as a parent or caregiver to that child.
Everybody grieves in different ways. There’s no strict schedule or time limit for how long these feelings should last. Grief can also affect every aspect of your life, and it can be very isolating.
In the initial stages of grief, it’s common to experience poor sleep, loss of appetite and difficulty completing normal day-to-day tasks. It can be helpful to take time away from routine activities like work and education and, if possible, get support with jobs and chores in the home.
Grief can include a complicated mixture of emotions including sadness, disbelief, anger, and resentment. For some, the loss of a baby can be incredibly traumatic. They might experience heightened anxiety and find themselves troubled by intrusive images or thoughts.
Anxiety and Depression After Baby Loss
Anxiety after baby loss is quite common. When the worst has happened, it’s not unusual to fear the same or a similar thing happening again. Sometimes when we’re really anxious, we check things repeatedly and look for certainty and reassurance in a bid to protect ourselves and others. If you have older children, you might notice you’re more concerned about their health and spend a lot of time worrying about keeping them safe. Subsequent pregnancies can feel very challenging and it’s not uncommon to experience a mixture of hope and fear.
People can also become depressed following the loss of a baby. This is where you feel extremely sad and low in mood all the time. You might have difficulty concentrating, lose interest in things you used to enjoy, deliberately isolate yourself or struggle to get out and about.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) can also occur after baby loss. This is where the traumatic event is replayed over and over in your mind, and you experience lots of negative thoughts about what happened. This might include guilt or wrongly blaming yourself for your baby’s death. Read What Is PTSD? for more information on this.
My Tips for Coping and Healing After Baby Loss
If symptoms feel severe, are getting worse or not improving, it’s important you seek emotional and medical support right away.
On a day-to-day basis, take things at your own pace. There isn’t a set time frame for grieving the loss of a baby and it’s an experience that’s going to be different for everybody.
Be gentle with yourself. Losing a baby can feel really overwhelming and frightening. You might have thoughts that worry you or emotions that feel really overpowering. For some, it can feel like a rollercoaster of different feelings. Within this there might be glimmers of something that feels like hope for the future. This doesn’t undermine your grief or how you feel about your baby. Grief and hope can coexist.
Be honest with the people around you about how you feel and what you need. Particularly with other family members who might be experiencing their own grief. This will look different for everyone, so they might not automatically understand what you need. It’s vital you share this with them, so they understand how best to support you.
Some people find it helpful to talk to others who have been through something similar. There are lots of different ways to do this either in-person or via social media. You might be someone who finds it helpful to read other people’s accounts of baby loss. These stories can be found online or in books like Ask Me His Name by Elle Wright.
You might need practical help. When people tell you to let them know if there’s anything they can do, take them up on that offer. It might be collecting other children from school, helping around the house, popping to the shops or cooking you a meal. In the aftermath of losing a baby, people often want to help but they don’t always know what to do, so giving them a practical job can make good use of their willingness to support you.
How to Support a Friend or Loved One After Baby Loss
If you’re the partner, friend or family member of someone experiencing baby loss, try not to worry about upsetting them by saying the wrong thing. In my opinion, the worst thing you could say is nothing at all. They are already hurting and staying silent or failing to acknowledge what they’re going through can compound their pain. Read How You Can Support a Bereaved Parent or Family by The Lullaby Trust for more advice.
Get the Help You Need
At Fortitude, we’re lucky to have a member of the team who has a special interest in supporting people with postnatal mental health problems. If you’re struggling with any of the things described in this article and you’d like an expert to help you heal and recover, please get in touch. I also share lots of tips and advice via Instagram.
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