Often, when we think about trauma, we tend to imagine big, dramatic experiences like natural disasters, war, or a nasty car accident. But trauma isn’t always as obvious as this.
What is Relational Trauma?
Relational trauma (also known as attachment trauma and developmental trauma) is trauma that occurs within a close relationship. In other words, it is harm caused by the people we love and rely upon most.
Things like physical abuse, sexual abuse, neglect and abandonment fall into this category, but relational trauma also includes emotional abuse like criticism, lack of nurturing, parentification (when a child takes on parental responsibility for their siblings or even their parents) and making a child feel unloved, unwanted or a burden.
Relational trauma tends to occur between a child and their main care giver, i.e. their parent(s), but it can also involve siblings and/or extended family members. Unfortunately, it is usually a long-term experience where a child is chronically exposed to trauma with no means of escape. Essentially, the place where a child should feel safe, loved and secure becomes a damaging, dangerous place for them to be.
It’s important to note, relational trauma isn’t always intentional. Parents don’t necessarily set out to hurt their children – sometimes it just happens by default. This doesn’t make it ok, but a compassionate approach can be helpful.
The Fallout of Relational Trauma – Beyond PTSD
Trauma leads to much more than Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). This diagnostic label captures some of the fallout of trauma, but its impact can span the whole breadth of mental health difficulties. It can also affect people in deeply problematic ways that wouldn’t necessarily be labelled or given a specific diagnosis. For example, the fallout of relational trauma can impact…
How you give and receive praise and criticism
How you feel when you’re apart from a partner
How independent you are (or not)
Whether you seek or avoid conflict
How you communicate your needs
Whether you are able to ask for help
How you show love
How you repair conflict
What Does This Mean for Survivors of Relational Trauma?
The way we see ourselves is shaped by our early relationships, as is the way we see other people and the world. What happens to us in childhood becomes part of our story. It is held within our mind, body, and thoughts.
Attachment theory can help us understand the full impact of relational trauma. This theory rests on the idea that a child needs their caregiver to meet their needs. They cannot function alone. Therefore, the attachment is essential for the child’s survival. When a caregiver is abusive or harmful, the child still needs them and is forced to make sense of their behaviour in a way that enables them to remain in the relationship. Often, this leads to them internalising the responsibility and blame for events as opposed to blaming the perpetrator.
Through this, they may develop negative core beliefs, for example ‘I am bad’, ‘others will hurt me’, ‘the world is unsafe’. In adulthood, these core beliefs inform how they relate to themselves and others, often causing issues.
Relational trauma can lead to problems with things like:
Fear, anxiety and hypervigilance
Low self-esteem and lack of confidence
Perfectionism and people pleasing
Difficulty trusting others/being highly suspicious
Becoming dependent or hyperindependent in relationships
Being avoidant and struggling with intimacy
Numbing behaviours involving alcohol, drugs and/or food
Self-harm and other self-punishing behaviours
Some Examples…
Critical parenting can cause someone to believe things like ‘I am not good enough’ and ‘others will judge me’. This can lead to perfectionism, burnout and episodes of low mood and anxiety. Because they fear judgement and have difficulty trusting people, they may become hyper-independent in relationships.
A parentified child may grow into an adult who believes things like ‘I am responsible, others need me to take care of them’. They may become worried and obsessive about getting things right. This can manifest as over planning, ruminating and suffocating others in relationships.
Someone who has experienced physical abuse may believe things like ‘I am bad’ and ‘people will hurt me’. This can lead them to be avoidant of all relationships, causing them to keep people at arm’s length.
Healing From Relational Trauma
First, I want you to know you are not alone. Some people are lucky to have secure, safe connections modelled to them in childhood, but many people don’t and are forced to learn these skills later in life.
The most effective approach to repairing relational trauma is therapy that focuses on forging authentic connection and creating new, healthier coping mechanisms. This needs to be tailored to the individual because each case is unique, depending on your age, the nature of the relational trauma you’ve suffered, and how it’s impacting your life.
Find Out More
If you believe you may have experienced relational trauma and would like more support to help you heal and recover, please get in touch. I also share lots of tips and advice via Instagram.
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