When people think about the effects of trauma, they tend to imagine flashbacks, nightmares, and people jumping at the sound of a loud bang. They might also connect trauma to things like PTSD, anxiety or depression. But there are many other habits, traits and behaviours that can be understood as a trauma response. In medical terms, these things are not psychological disorders, but that doesn’t mean they’re not equally disruptive to somebody’s life. These unexpected ways trauma can show up in your life can also be described as ‘unhelpful patterns of thinking and behaving’.
5 Surprising Trauma Responses
Our unhelpful patterns of thinking and behaving are usually a consequence of earlier experiences in our life. When a client comes to see me with a current problem, I’m always curious about what’s happened to them in the past for that problem to develop. These things don’t just come out of nowhere.
People don’t always connect the dots between these common problems and their past experiences, but if we examine things more closely, we can see how some of these habits develop as a response to trauma. Let’s look at some examples…
1. Perfectionism
Whenever I meet a client who’s struggling with perfectionism, I will always consider where this may have stemmed from. Not all perfectionists have a history of trauma, but there is certainly a correlation between the two. Trauma can make us think about ourselves, others, and the world around us in a way that leads us to believe being perfect is our only option.
For some perfectionists, their high achieving and striving for perfection is a way of masking inner shame and self-doubt. For example, if you grew up in an environment where you were forced to fight for attention or gain validation through achievements, the need to attain a particular standard can become a kind of survival instinct. Equally, if someone has grown up believing they’re not good enough, striving for high standards and perfection may become a way of coping with that belief.
For some people, achieving perfection is never enough. Even when you attain the highest standard, the belief you’re not good enough remains. This can cause you to continuously chase the next achievement, creating a constant cycle of trying to attain something that makes you feel good about yourself.
2. People Pleasing
‘People pleaser’ is the term we use to describe somebody who goes over and above what is reasonable to keep other people happy, even when this makes them unhappy.
People pleasing can be likened to ‘fawning’. Along with fight, flight and freeze, this is one of the four main fear responses. Fawning usually occurs when somebody perceives danger and attempts to acquiesce and appease to prevent themselves coming to harm. It can be safer for somebody to fawn than it is to fight, and it’s often used to prevent a situation from escalating.
People pleasing can look like being overly helpful, often to your own detriment, or finding it difficult to say no to request and demands. When somebody adopts this position, they will often neglect their own needs and agree to things they don’t really want to do. It can also be hard to set boundaries or get your needs met by others when you’re a people pleaser. This can lead to feelings of frustration and resentment.
3. Overcommitting
Both perfectionism and people pleasing can lead people to overcommit. This might be driven by the pursuit of unattainable high standards, or it might be because they find it difficult to say no.
Overcommitting can also be a trauma response in its own right. For example, someone with a deeply held belief that they’re not good enough may fill their life to the brim with things they hope will make them feel worthy of love and care. This can also be seen as an attempt to make sure other people perceive them as good enough.
4. Hyper Independence
Some people who have experienced trauma, particularly in relationships with primary caregivers, may become fiercely independent and find it hard to ask for help or support. They might feel unable to trust people to support them or believe it’s not okay to ask people for help. This level of independence can become unhealthy. You may find it difficult to delegate tasks or share responsibility in relationships, parenting and/or in the workplace.
This can be a very stressful, overwhelming state to be in because it requires you to be constantly on the go and maintaining things. If you encounter any difficulties, you’re also less likely to rely on people around you for support. For most people, this is unsustainable in the long term and can lead to chronic stress and burnout.
5. Burnout
Burnout is a severe state of exhaustion. It’s common among people who tend to take on too much in different areas of their life or who find it difficult to say no. Burnout is not the stress itself – it’s the exhaustion that results from carrying chronic stress and feeling unable to do anything about it. It can manifest as physical, emotional or psychological exhaustion, or a combination of all three.
Some people are more prone to burnout than others, and past trauma can play a significant role. If somebody has high standards for themselves, a tendency to overcommit, or a heightened sense of responsibility, they are more likely to find themselves in a situation where they become burnt out. Some people might fall into patterns of burnout where they recover from one episode and then just tumble back into the same behaviour that got them there in the first place.
Trauma also reduces your ‘window of tolerance’ – the optimal zone of arousal in which a person can function and cope with day-to-day stress effectively. Many people are able to deal with the demands and stress of everyday life without much difficulty. However, for those who have experienced trauma, it can be difficult to stay in your optimal zone, making chronic stress and burnout more likely. Read Understanding Your Window of Tolerance to learn more.
Find Out More
If you’re struggling with any of the things described in this article and you’d like support to help you heal and recover from trauma, please get in touch. Alternatively, subscribe to The Trauma Toolbox to receive my insights and tips straight to your inbox every month. I also share lots of support via Instagram.
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